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And so there's a change...

Today was Vik's birthday! Sweet sixteen. I honestly don't know why it's so ~sweet~ nothing great happened to me that year. So I'm making seventeen my year.

Sarah gave me the other half of my Christmas gift. It was a mix CD, and I listened to it the whole way home. Can I tell you just how perfect it is driving over the Buckman Bridge and listening to Difference by Acceptance?

Just being alone and going way over the speed limit and taking my eyes off the road to look at the city, and seeing the other bridges in the distance. It's so cold, so everything is clear and crisp. I love Jacksonville, I'm not even going to lie. Sure it's not the biggest and there aren't always things to do, but it's nice for me to call it home. I could live in Palm Coast or freaking Tallahassee. Orlando isn't far and neither is Tampa. There isn't THAT much reason to drive 7 hours to Miami, but if I really wanted to I could. Atlanta isn't far. I've got all I need at my fingertips. Great friends, family, and music.

I've spent my night watching Watchmen trailers, reading the Watchmen blog, and stalking other things related to the film. I'm going to buy Watching the Watchmen.This weekend maybe? Idk. For the rest of the night I think I'm going to read my Umbrella Academy comics, and maybe watch the first season to Metalocalypse. World Religions at 9:30 tomorrow, I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVE that class.

I'm feeling so good right now. (in case you couldn't tell.)

THIS CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY AND IT IS GLORIOUS:

You say it's hard enough to live

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

I am so stupid. i just keep digging myself in a hole, and giving myself hope when I really shouldn't.


FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

The past few nights I've been going to my room around 1, playing on my phone or reading Watchmen until 4 or when I get tired. But when I put everything aside to actually sleep. I can't.

I do not have this problem. I am the champion of sleeping whenever I freaking feel like it. I've layed in bed and counted, to around 100 before my thoughts distract me and I lose count and have to start all over. If you asked me now I couldn't even tell you what the thoughts are. I would say they're just errant, things. With little or no meaning behind them. But I don't think that's the case.

When I wake up I'm always so thirsty, and I'm hot and I just feel so achey and tired and I want to go back to sleep. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.

Sometimes, I think I need to write these things down somewhere private, but I've never been much for that. Ever sense I was little, people would give me stupid little diaries with flowers and shit all over the cover, id start it out with something like "hi, I'm amber and this is my diary." Because I thought that's how those things went. Then I would never write in it. I hate writing things down.

There is no in between for me, its either laid out for everyone or locked up tight.

I'm incredibly tired right now, but I don't want to turn in. I won't fall asleep for another hour anyways.

Maybe I'll just lay here till my eyes force closed and I fall asleep on my phone.

It wont be the first time.

Fuck. I need to lighten up.

ftw

and I don't mean for the win.

I started to post a few days ago, and I just couldn't, so I tried to add more to that post yesterday, and I couldn't. But now I'm in a pretty bad mood, so I deleted that post and now I've decided to write a whiny post about me failing at fucking life and all that shit.

I failed my freakin math class. I BARELY had a high enough GPA to stay in the program, and I really don't like that. REALLLLLLY don't. So I have to re-take Intermediate Algebra, this is my last chance. When I finish the spring semester, I have to take college algebra over the summer, so lame. :(, but the courses will be over before all the warped tour fun begins. Next semester, I am swearing to myself to do better, I HAVE to do better.

To top all that off. My heart hurts. I haven't had a for realz srs bizniz crush on someone in ages. Infatuations? Yes, I have had those (plenty!). But actually being close to someone and realizing they're everything I want is another thing. It's not that I don't think I don't have a chance, I guess I do, eventually I will. What sucks, is I feel like I let my chance slip away months ago because of one stupid comment. FUCK. I'm tired of being there for people and boosting them up, just to get stuck. Really, I don't hate helping my friends out, that I don't mind, but I do mind when I kinda have ulterior motives behind it, and it ends up backfiring.

As outspoken as I am, I still can't tell someone that I really really really like them, and I think they're perfect.

The only good thing about the last month really has been FOB, I don't have the good vibes right now to re-tell how AWESOME the show was, but Sarah's blog pretty much sums it up.

Oh, and I love Folie a Deux.

I'm so like a window in your life

I really need to update more. I was going to last night, I had stuff to write about, but I went to sleep instead. Now, I can't remember what I wanted to write about.

We took my grandma and grandpa to Disney World for Thanksgiving. I love Disney World.

My birthday is in 40 minutes. SO stoked.

All I See Scares Me

This box has been sitting blank for about twenty minutes now. I don't know what to write, but I feel the need to. I think I have become boring.

Today was my dad's birthday.

This sat for another thirty minutes while I read Calvin and Hobbes comics. They are my favorite thing. Although, it makes me kinda of sad Hobbes IS just a stuffed animal. Of course, it could be something like ~he's real if you want him to be~, or something else entirely too abstract for me to comprehend. I'm intelligent, but I can't "read between the lines."

Every time I go back to Lee my (favorite) english teacher always goes "hello college person!" and throws his ridiculous arm in the air.

This blog is completely pointless. Non sequitur. This is how my brains works. Just moving from one point to the next. I need to brush my teeth. I don't want to go back to school tomorrow.

I wish I had a story to tell right now, but the only thing that has happened of late has been me going to see Bayside, and it was excellent, but I'm tired of writing show reviews. The fact that I have nothing to write about backs up the fact that I am boring. Some times I have a crush on one of my best friends, but only sometimes (somedays, some hours, some encounters, some minutes). Do you understand?

LOL Sarah, do I sound more like Beckett or Pete Wentz now? I think it's a combination of the two. Also, I read your Rise Against/Tokio Hotel blog. YES, that makes me happy!

Sarah and I want to go to Chicago for the last (UGH) 2*Sweet show. It is December the 20th. My mom says no, and I say: "Why don't you want me to see snow? Why? >:|"

Next show is Copeland? Maybe? I haven't even asked, but now I feel like all I care about is Lydia, which is weird. Blanca must of told me about them a million times, and I listened, and I never GOT it. But now that I listen to the CD a lot. I think I understand, and I NEEEEEED to see them live. Plus Lights (not to mention Copeland and Lovedrug), I mean REALLLLY? This last paragraph has more life in it than the rest of the blog does.

Don't you say that I've gone crazy. Cause I haven't gone crazy, yet. I just lost my mind, but I still got you.

they all scream california

Last Thursday was Rise Against. And it was incredible. The Gaslight Anthem are seriously my favorite band right now. No one knew what was going on during their set, but I did, and I think they came off really well to everyone. I lovelovelovelovelove them a lot. Thrice brings a ridiculous presence to the stage. All I remember from TOC06 was LIGHTS, and this time all I remember was the bearded asian man. Alkaline Trio are my heart. Rise Against is awesome. People get SO EXCITED. I love going to boy shows and seeing guys being totally stupid over another man, I also love there is never any fucking drama with boys. Not to mention the kid behind us in line was also behind us at New Found Glory, and he is a fucking riot. Hightlight: Before starting 'Swing Life Away' Tim said the song was pretty much about Chicago, but said that Florida made an appearance, so everyone cheers. Then when he got to the part 'Lets pack our bags and settle where palm trees grow' everyone screamed. Sometimes I love Florida.

After the show we found April and Melissa, and we waited for Tim. April was on a mission (and so was Sarah). First Zack came out, and let me tell you. That man is a freaking MOTER MOUTH. He must have word vomit 24/7, and I'm also happy he knows he looks like an alien. Then MATT FREAKIN SKIBA came out, and he had this ridiculous jacket on, but April had seen him before, and she goes that's Matt. Me: O_O *watches him walk far away). I didn't want to scream "MATT!" when he's a good 30 feet away from me. LUCKILY there was a girl close to him and she goes "Matt, can I get a picture?" and then all 25 of the kids waiting run over to him, because....MATT SKIBA YOU GUYS. He is awesome. He was really nice to everyone, and he told us they would be back next spring/summer (oh my god). He also took notice of Sarah's Chicago Fire Dept. shirt, and proceeded to tell everyone that he was going to, quote, "Go to firefighter school, but instead I started a rock band called Alkaline Trio. So right now I could be putting out a fire, or playing for you guys." And everyone told him we preferred the latter. Vik and Sarah met this man in 05 when Alkaline went out with My Chem. Sarah was downright determined to get him to sign the picture of him and Vik. So Sarah's mom runs to the car, then runs back, all the while we make April keep him talking. So She gets back with the picture and vik asks him to sign it. The conversation went a little like this:

Sarah/Vik: It's from Chicago in 2005. (? right? that's what happened? idk. I can't remember the first part.)
Him: Is this Warped?
Vik: No, it's from the my chem tour.
Him: I REMEMBER YOU! YOU'RE A LADY NOW! (seriously, greatest thing i have EVER heard.) How old were you?!
Vik: 12
Him: How old are you now (cause obv Skiba can't add 3 to 12. that's okay.)
Vik: 15, almost 16.
Him: sayssomemorestuffabouthowawesomethatis

It was epppicccc. Then he left saying "GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!"

About 5-10 minutes later Tim came out. HOMYGAWD. April was having a PANIC ATTACK. She has 'give it all' tattooed on her foot, and yeah, panic attack. She got a picture with him, then she says something about looking at her foot. She lifts her foot, he CROUCHES DOWN AND HOLDS HER FOOT. April is dying. "Does it say 'give it all'? That's awesome." So yeah, then it's my turn, he shakes my hand "Hi, I'm Tim." REALLY? REALLY??????? I shake his hand and introduce myself. It was all very nice really. My picture is adorable, I won't hear anything different.


So, then we went back to the hotel. Ate Taco Bell. Slept. Woke up, got to looking ridiculous. And left for House of Blues. Did I tell you when we got to HOB on Thursday for Rise there was a girl waiting for Tokio Hotel? Well there was. Her name was Caitlin, and she was from Seattle. So yeah. She's in the front of the line, and I don't want to get to in depth about this. There were RIDICULOUS people there. RIDICULOUS. I can't express that ANY more clearly. At 10:30 I went over to Virgin to pick me and Sarah up the TH cd so we could get a wristband for the signing. I had been in there the day before, so I knew where the CDs were, but there were girls in there running around like chickens with no heads SCREAMING. "WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE ARE THE CDs?!!!!" It was ridiculous. I walked right where they were, there was a man standing there with a stack in his hand, I said "I need 2." he handed me 2 and I went to the register. The girls in front of me and behind me were going on and on about how happy they were, they were SHAKING. SHAKING from finding a CD to get a WRISTBAND. Again, RIDICULOUS. At one me, Sarah, and Vik went and got in the line that had already wrapped halfway around the building. Ended up getting in the building around 3? or 3:30. We all sat and waited. At 5 they started playing the CD, and kids started singing/screaming. At 5:25 they arrived, trust me, I know this is the exact time they got there. I was proud of them for being punctual. There were two big rooms, the one we were in was filled with Spanish music, and the room we were moved into where the band was filled with classical music. I was pretty calm the whole time, until we actually got in the same room, and I saw Bill. WHO DOESN'T EVEN LOOK REAL. I started shaking. So I had to calm down, BREATHE. The actual signing only took about 10 seconds for all three of us to get through.

So we got back in line and there is this clusterfuck in front of us. I'm not to upset. If we got in and couldn't get barricade we were going to go up to the balcony. All Sarah kept saying was "small like a snake." totally fucking cheesy, but it's good motivation! There was this line of "VIPS" that were waiting on the opposite side of the chains, and everyone is kind of like "~who are they? what are they dooooing?" They let them in and I see this older lady run to security, then next thing I know our line is MOVING, and I just book it, and squish through. I ran down to the end of the checks and, idek HOW this happened, but there was a line with just one girl in it, and she was getting done being checked. I stalled, and Sarah PUSHES me (thank god) into that line. Lady checks me sends me through. I fast-walked my happy butt up those stairs and into that venue. I wanted to be on Tom's side, and lo and behold his side is basically completely empty. I ran to my spot and stretched out to make room for Sarah. She came in about 10 seconds after me. I don't know if we have ever been SO stoked to have a spot on a barricade.

The time between getting and waiting was crazy. 2 and half hours, and girls were getting pulled out and passing out left and right. It actually was pretty stupid. I have never seen something so ridiculous. They did give us tons of water though! Show was good. Tokio Hotel is not bad live. And that's all I have to say. I still love Bill, I found out I would happily have sex with Tom (because JESUS he is some kind of sexy), and I have found a new deep deep love for Gustav and Georg.

This is so long. Oh my God.